What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 01:34
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I will be 64.
I could never make a relationship work though!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Put me off passion for life!!
I have no regrets .
What is the naughtiest fantasy that you've lived out?
Why did i forgive my father ?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I never cut or harmed myself..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Why would my ex block me after I blocked him?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As i do to all so called friends.?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
How does a 45-year-old man get a girlfriend?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was very sick at this time too.
Do older women know what they want?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Would this be the day?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
What was your first experience like with a black man?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was scared of men, in general
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We all went to grammer schools
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She wouldn,t have been !
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was seconnd youngest,
I think the readers, may guess!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was 9 years of age.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I couldn’t, believe it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Ive learnt so much.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im still living with it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She found it foreign!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But ive been too sick for many years..
My family never makes their pension either.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He knew the spot.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
What did i know ?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We were not on the streets..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Who then, do I blame.?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But it wasn’t much.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But, we were locked up after school.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Especially a lifetime of it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
So, i spoilt her more .
She was in good health!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
It was going to be , some day.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Comes on , in middle age.
And i lived it daily.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She loved him until the end.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My life is so biszare .
She married twice! .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I waited trembling.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I said to her
This is soul school!.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
When she asked me how she looked .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One cannot live in the past .
I don,t even have a pension.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I write beautiful poetry .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So whats the point in blame.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
All the time i was locked up.